Wow. You are amazing to be so insightful and honest both to yourself and with the world! I agree with some of the other comments encouraging you to leave. But I understand if you are not ready. I know its hard for anyone to understand what it’s like to be in a complicated marriage like that. I was in also in a marriage where I felt like my kids were unsafe with their father. It wasn’t an easy decision or an easy path, but I left (actually I kicked him out) and my kids are now almost grown and doing amazing. I am pretty sure if I had stayed it would have been a different story. I want to say leave, but the best advice I can give you is get clarity on what you want for yourself and your kids — it will make whatever decision you make easier.